An excerpt from The Layoff You Didn’t Choose, a manuscript by Robert Nichols.
One of the more disorienting parts of going through something hard in public — even semi-public, among friends and family — is discovering how quickly conversations tilt toward advice, even when advice wasn't what you needed. You mention you're struggling, and within a few sentences someone is suggesting a course, a networking strategy, a book, a mindset shift. Often this happens before you've finished describing how you actually feel, and it can leave you feeling more alone in the moment than before you spoke up.
Advice and support solve different problems, and most people conflate them without meaning to. Support says, in effect, "I see that this is hard, and I'm here." Advice says, "here is what would fix it." Both can be valuable, but they're not interchangeable, and offering advice when someone needed support can land as dismissive — as though your feelings were a problem to be efficiently resolved rather than something that simply needed to be witnessed for a moment.
It's worth getting comfortable, if you can, with naming what you actually need before a conversation veers somewhere unhelpful: "I don't need advice right now, I just need to vent" is a complete, reasonable thing to say to someone who loves you, even if it feels awkward the first few times. Most people, once told directly, are relieved to know what's actually useful — a lot of unsolicited advice comes from not knowing what else to offer, not from an insistence on being heard.
The reverse is also worth knowing about yourself: there may be moments when you genuinely do want advice, strategy, someone to help you think through a decision. Being clear about which mode you're in — venting or problem-solving — makes it far more likely you'll actually get what you need, rather than leaving conversations wondering why they felt oddly unsatisfying.
Onward, honestly.
Robert Nichols
Writer and founder of Onward Honestly. His work explores unwanted change, identity, and the small decisions that help us find our footing.
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